While I did not pick this story out based on the same experimental guidelines as the previous book, I figure this is as good a place to expound on its virtues and vices. Before I left California to return to live in Oklahoma, I picked up a few books: a pair of Shadowrun books, Magic Bites, and Swordmage. Since I already had the books, I figured I would check to see if I would have bought them using the experiment method. It turns out that I would not have bought Swordmage based on the first line. I brought Swordmage with me to work on Thursday night, intending to read it. I am sad to say that that plan was halted in its tracks completely by a single line in the third paragraph.

Now, to be fair, I do not know Richard Baker. I have not emailed him to ask about posting a review of his book (published in 2008 through Wizards of the Coast as part of the Forgotten Realms books for Dungeons and Dragons). I do not suspect he would want to link back to what I am about to say either, so I figure I have saved myself the time.

I am an advocate of a prologue, so I do not immediately get a sour look on my face when I read the word. I know that I am being presented with some back story that may have far-reaching effects on the actual portion of the story. I appreciate Nathan Bransford’s view that this can also force the reader to start the story twice effectively. Still, if your reader does not make it to Chapter One, your prologue fails.

I do believe I have learned an important lesson in the “Show, don’t tell” philosophies, most recently expressed by Maria Schneider on Editor Unleashed. In that article, she explains that there is a currency of interest that an author accumulates that can be cashed in on small doses of telling instead of showing. She also explains that this form of telling should be less direct than straight narrative, instead using dialogue and a scene to tell the reader what they need to know.

Unfortunately, in a prologue, you have no such interest currency. I, as a reader, owe you nothing on page two. That is why the first lines are so important. It gives you a tiny deposit of interest currency that you can use LATER. This is not meant to be an immediate exchange.

So what line in paragraph three could have turned me off so badly to this book that I had already paid for? In my time gaming online in text-based environments, a universal rule for describing your character was to not include leading phrases or adjectives. Words like “beautiful” and “pretty” and “ugly” were frowned upon, as were phrases were so cliche as to be down right appalling. When my eyes came across the sentence, “She was beautiful beyond comparison,” I literally threw the book onto the desk and gagged.

Is that really so bad? Yes, yes it really is. Especially when Baker’s best-selling status is right on the front cover. Am I better than Baker? Probably not, as at least he has been published (albeit by a different beast than most authors wish to deal with). Have I made mistakes like that? Definitely, but I’m not a best selling author either. Will I be trying to correct my own mistakes like that? You bet your golden spectacles of reading +1, I will!

I am sure in 375 pages that Baker can tell a very nice story, so I will certainly try to get past paragraph three in the near future. In terms of the One-Liner Experiment though, it definitely failed. If it redeems itself in the other pages, I will certainly share.

Writers: whether you agree with me or not, take away from this that readers can be turned off at the drop of a hat. Not just me. Make sure you have enough interest currency to cash some in on a line like “She was beautiful beyond comparison” about half-way into the book, because in paragraph three is not where it belongs.

Baker: If you do happen to read this, please understand that I like D&D, and I will still try to give your book a fair shake by reading it all the way through. If I come across as unnecessarily harsh, it is because I expect more from a best-selling author.

I am setting up this post in advance (Monday), because I doubt that I will be available again before Thursday. I was sorely tempted to visit the bunker that Nathan Bransford said he shared with Dick Cheney, but practical and romantic notions kept me from booking that flight. Sorry Mr. Ex Vice President, but I have someone more important to visit. Today (Monday), I am hopping a flight to California to rescue my lovely fiancee and begin the process of moving. It is at bare minimum a 20 hour drive back, so Tuesday and Wednesday are basically gone. Thursday, I will be recovering. In the mean time…

C. E. Murphy is an awesome, nice, friendly individual, and I can honestly say that I did not expect as much of a return on my review/interview as what I received. I am not bragging; simply stating facts here. From one day being linked from her sites, GT’s visitations per day jumped from about 25 on average to an all-time new peak of 210 in a single day. That completely decimated all expectations I had. I blinked at Google Analytics when it told me 70+ after an hour or two of being linked on her page. Whether she understood who I was, what I was doing, or how much of a difference her small act would affect me, I cannot say. My impression is that she would have done it whether she knew or not. And Mrs. Murphy, if you happen to read this, you are always welcome at my gaming table. Seriously, folks, she is a really approachable and helpful person. Pick her brain, chat her up, just remember, she is married according to the jacket of Urban Shaman!

While I have not seen the specific outcome of return traffic from this comparatively large influx (and may not see it for a few weeks in fact), I am hopeful. I have posted some good stories here, and they are available to anyone to read. Since 90% of that traffic was brand new, let me simply say, thank you for visiting and feel free to come back, read stuff, and comment. I have tried to make this blog as “open” as possible while keeping it on this server and within my realm of web-control.

I am also thinking of borrowing an idea that I saw on Jamie DeBree’s blog with a list of what projects will go up on which days on one of the side bars (modified a bit to suit my own personal preferences). Thanks for the follow back and link on your roll, Jamie! (Yes, in the realm of self-promotion, I really do have little shame)

Basically, for this post, I am giving a blanket thank you to folk that have visited lately. I appreciate the visits and the reads.

Wednesday: Results/Reaction from the Editor Unleashed Flash Fiction 40 Contest.

Thursday: High Points from a California to Oklahoma Road Trip Part One.

Friday: #FridayFlash, #FictionFriday, and Chapter Six of The Veil of the Heavens

Saturday: What I have Learned on Twitter

Sunday: One-Liners (current front-runner for name suggestion for continued experiments)

Monday: Monday Machine (told you I would find alliteration!)

Tuesday: Displaced Voice Part Two (yes, another trip, driving to Cali and back again, I suddenly feel like a Hobbit…)

The fact I have 7 days worth of posts planned astonishes me. Now I just have to stick with it. See you all on Thursday. Try not to break anything.