Comments on: #FridayFlash & #FictionFriday: Wow!

By: Annie

Annie — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 06:45:21 +0000

Many apologies for my tardiness on giving feedback – I have been without the internet for a lifetime – a fortnight. Visitors can find my FF for 3rd July here – http://annieevett.blogspot.com/2009/06/your-essen...
There were some beautiful moments in this – but the sledgehammer topped it for me. I enjoyed how your reflected some of the actions and words to give them more emphasis

Dialogue can carry or kill a story and its such a fine line sometimes to how important it is to the overall story of HOW much to include. Stephan King suggests that a major downfall with many writers is that they TELL the reader how a character is saying what they are saying. Instead, delete said, screamed, mused, shouted and use other words or actins the character has available to them to suggest to the reader how they are saying it. It will then come across as less clunky and more accessable for the reader – who will have their own imagines in their head and will not want ot be distracted by your hand holding in small matters.
Well done and thanks for joining us at FF!

By: Jeff Posey

Jeff Posey — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 21:35:02 +0000

Universally, this is a story of addiction and its destructive effects. You captured that well. I personally think she should've forgotten about the divorce papers and just gone straight for the husband with the sledgehammer — and spared the computer. It's too valuable. Thanks for playing in the #FridayFlash sandbox.

By: danpowell

danpowell — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 13:02:17 +0000

Reminds me of arguments back when I used to play City Of Heroes. Thankfully I managed to avoid the sledgehammer and divorce part. Great stuff.

By: battypip

battypip — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 12:40:40 +0000

I agree with you about that particular sentence – and I think it would stand out more if you used contractions in other instances…
I'll pass the link to Blake, but somehow I don't suppose it'll tear him away from the screen. Actually, he probably won't end up in James's situation because he'll never find a girl in the first place at this rate! Tee hee!

By: anandserpi

anandserpi — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 07:07:11 +0000

Hahaha, being a gamer myself, I could relate to the guy. PC, PS3, Wii, Xbox, can really put yourself into a world of your own, disregarding everything that happens around you. I like the dialog though, the guy seems to be able to answer everything he's thrown at, even though it is ridiculous, showing that he is quick-witted but detached from reality. Like the sledgehammer too, but I would've had the wife set the computer on fire. Great piece!!

see mine at :

http://anandserpi.wordpress.com/2009/07/03/my-bel...

By: SWWalker

SWWalker — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 06:34:44 +0000

I find this post amusing on a personal level. There's a guy named James in my guild who was asking why we were doing Flame Leviathan with only two towers up instead of going for hard mode. We had to explain to him that we had not completed it with two towers up yet anyway, and that hard mode is activated by leaving all four towers up, not just the three he was thinking it would have been.

By: 2mara

2mara — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 16:47:52 +0000

ahhhhhh. I totally feel her pain. Been there done that. Word of Warcraft: Ruining marriages one "quest" at a time.

Great read.
~2

By: KjM

KjM — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 02:00:50 +0000

Man, I was worried about that sledgehammer. I strongly suspect there was a moment for his wife when she had to choose what the target was going to be. Just a moment, but it was there.

Nice back-and-forth between the two of them. High speed badminton. It moved very well.

By: James Ashelford

James Ashelford — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 19:35:54 +0000

As much as I liked the humour of his replies, especially the "next round" comment I did enjoy the sledgehammer more. It worked as a nice balance because, let's face it, siding with the guy in the end would have been unconscionable but you put a good tag on the end that we could enjoy the wordplay without guilt.

Mine own:
http://eclecticchair.wordpress.com/2009/07/03/fic...

By: Chris Chartrand

Chris Chartrand — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 19:15:27 +0000

I like this story. His dismissive replies made me chuckle, which made me feel a little guilty given the fact that he was destroying his family and abusing his two month old by neglecting her. Nicely done.