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A Wealth of Geekiness
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A Wealth of Geekiness
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I wanted to post something funny. It just happens that my little brother gave me the necessary ammo. I did not put him up to this. He put himself up to it actually, for a contest to get a new iPhone. So if you could click the link, watch the video, laugh a bit, then click “Like,” that would be great. Thanks! Aug
17
2010
Best of Friday Flash – My First Published Work Posted on 16:34, August 17th, 2010 by E. D. JohnsonThe Anthology is finally done! Hurrah! One of my stories “Uncle’s Ukulele” is in it. The work has taking a while to prepare, so you can check out the full write up at Mad Utopia if you like, and thank Jon for his hard work on it, or you can click here to check out the book. The anthology only costs $2.99, and you get sixty-seven different stories! That is not even five cents per story. And it is in all the cool formats for different E-readers and what not. A shudder visibly danced up and down Travis’ spine when he finally spied what Yoshi had been growling at only moments before. He froze, and his heart skipped at least two beats by his count. For the first three seconds, he simply stared at it with his mouth agape. The next four, he was conscious enough of the Yorkshire Terrier to scoop her up to keep her safe. Another fifteen seconds of staring, then he finally started thinking of what to do about the intruder. He cast about for something, anything to use as a weapon. Few viable options were available, so he grabbed a thick-soled, steel-toed boot and threw it. He missed. The intruder was most certainly aware of his presence now and stared back at him with what Travis suspected was sheer hatred. Travis threw the other boot, but missed again. “Damnit!” he thought, “I could have put the boots on and just stepped on it.” He took several long, calming breaths to try to get a grip on his thoughts, but just inside the door to his apartment, sat a menace that he could not get to leave. “Of course it can’t leave,” he said aloud to Yoshi, who lovingly licked his hand. “The door is closed.” He carefully and cautiously stretched out with his free hand and flipped the deadbolt to unlock the door then gripped and turned the handle to open the door for the uninvited guest to leave. It looked out the door then back at Travis as if to say, “Like it is that easy to get rid of me.” Travis glared at the intruder and shooed it several times, to no avail. He even got back one of the boots and shook it vigorously at the guest. But it would not budge. Finally, Travis had a flash of genius and grabbed the Swiffer from the kitchen to safely push the guest from his residence. With the intruder shoved out the door, he quickly closed and locked it and released Yoshi before collapsing into the recliner to regain his composure. The dog curled under his arm and napped as if nothing dangerous had happened at all. ========== Outside, the intruder slithered away from the door into the warm night and thought, “Sssssafe at lasssst!” Luke walked along the overcast street creating make-shift maraca music in his wake. It was a trick an older kid had taught him under a bridge the week before. Luke did not really understand the significance until he had found a quarter and a plastic cup with which to test the theory. Now, Luke definitely saw the allure. People became friendlier when he went by and often asked him how he was doing. He gave them polite nods and told them he was doing well before continuing on with his concert. The first day had gone so well that he continued his performances the next day and the next. On the fourth day, a stranger approached him and said, “Hey kid, whatcha got in the cup?” “A quarter, sir,” was all Luke said. “A quarter? That’s it? Well, I got two dimes. How’d ya like those instead?” Luke nodded his agreement and quickly traded the quarter for the two dimes. He tested the dimes in the cup and found the sound to be much catchier. The two coins produced a sort of melody that made him smile. The stranger smiled to him, and Luke went on his way. The next day, another stranger approached and said to him, “What a wonderful boy you are. What do you have in the cup?” “Two dimes, ma’am,” Luke said. “I have three nickels. Would you like those instead?” she offered. Luke again nodded and swapped out the coins. With the three nickels, he felt almost like he had a musical instrument. He was very satisfied with the trade and continued on down the street. Word had apparently spread of his musical prowess, because a little ways down the street, the older boy that had taught him the trick greeted him, “Hey Luke, how’s it going? Making good money with the cup?” Luke shook his head and showed the other boy the contents of the cup. The boy was astonished, but said, “I got four pennies I can trade for those crappy old nickels.” Luke accepted the trade and discovered a whole new aspect of his songs. One penny would slide around the cup. another would thump a side. The two others would meet in the middle some times like a cymbal. He was happiest by far with that last trade. Before he got back to the bridge, a taxi driver stopped near him and asked him about his cup, “Son, whatcha got in the cup?” Luke happily showed the man what was in the cup. He nodded and asked, “Have you eaten anything today?” Luke had found some scraps in a garbage can, so he nodded. The driver seemed fine with the answer and got a piece of paper from somewhere in the taxi. He slipped it into the cup and said, “Get yourself a good meal with that. Try not to starve out here.” The taxi driver smiled and drove away before Luke could test out the new sound of the cup. When he did, Luke found that the paper completely destroyed the melody. He quickly removed the paper and tossed it aside. The purity of his music could not be compromised for a mere twenty dollars. The Pax Titanica Empire had survived another age. Dyrtan had witnessed two past ages, but he was tired. He had seen war for a hundred years now it seemed, and he had already passed on his mantle to Black Widow. Now, Dyrtan needed to appoint a new Commander for his colonies. All of the current Commanders had their hands full, so they could not just accept his colonies to govern. The great warriors were too focused on their battles to deal with politics. Politics. Dyrtan laughed. His politics had always been a very simple affair: Leave us alone, and we’ll leave you alone. Hurt us, and we’ll hurt you. Perhaps what he needed some new blood. A fresh perspective. That was how Dyrtan had started, after all. Commander of a Titan colony in the middle of the Third Galaxy, alone, and under fire from Xen raiders. His distress beacon had been answered, and he had risen through the ranks with his new outlooks. His holo-screen projected an incoming feed. “Overseer, we have excellent news. Dicorpo has returned!” Dyrtan nodded and said, “Thank you. Please patch him through when you can.” The holo-Titan saluted and winked back out. Dyrtan breathed a sigh of relief. Dicorpo’s return would ease the transition at least. Dicorpo would have his hands full, but likely, he really wanted to know who would be taking over Dyrtan’s command. Dyrtan waved his hand and pulled up a holo-screen listing of the the newest commanders in his colonies. As his finger moved over each entry in the list, the screen projected a model of the candidate. He spent an hour looking through the list, when he came across a curiosity. A candidate named ‘Azrigoth.’ Mediocre scores on tests, no outstanding marks or awards, and the name was simply strange. But Dyrtan saw something in the eyes of the model. He studied the features for a few more moments, then delved more into the records. Azrigoth had participated in a training exercise where a corsair pilot was supposed to cloak and work its way past a group of scouts. Dyrtan pulled up the holo-recording of the simulation and smirked when he saw what happened. The corsair cloaked and started toward the destination. Azrigoth’s scout moved out to flank as if on patrol. When the corsair passed between that system’s sun and Azrigoth’s scout, there was a momentary flicker in the cloak. Azrigoth caught it, timed the distance and trajectory, and opened fire. The lasers shattered the cloak’s field, and the other scouts joined in. Dyrtan found other instances of similar such antics from the young Titan. Dyrtan needed to test him. He pulled up a list of his colonies and picked the most recent, smallest, least developed, worst defended planet in the middle of nowhere, then dragged Azrigoth’s file over onto it. He smirked and said to himself, “Sink or swim little one. I sense great things in your future.” ———- The scout landed on Gaerion, and Azrigoth climbed out. When his feet touched the ground, a little cloud of dust surrounded them, and he looked around expecting something very different than what greeted him. He could see the building yard and the mysterious AEC. That was it. He frowned and tapped his commlink. He addressed every Titan resident on this planet, “It is time to work, people. No one sleeps till we have a drop ship.” He kept it short and simple. Since he did not have a command post, he climbed back into the scout to make use of the on board systems. He started plotting a plan to see to it that they had a drop ship as soon as possible. After hours of work, Azrigoth neared the end of his project, but the computer in the scout could not handle the load, glitched, and fried itself. Like the time he had been in the training mission against the corsair, he lost his temper and smashed his fist into the console. The lasers fired into the nearby woods, and he sighed. At least the scout would be good for landscaping. Apr
30
2010
#FridayFlash: Yoshi and the Five-Headed DragonPosted on 00:01, April 30th, 2010 by E. D. JohnsonYoshi spied the five-headed dragon from across the rocky shelf and plotted her method of attack. While a head on assault would be certain death, part of her toyed with the idea. Brave and stupid were not the same thing, she decided, and opted for stealth and a sneak attack. The massive lizard’s body was perched atop a rise, but the main neck and five smaller sub necks were laying beneath that. Yoshi almost pitied the creature for sleeping in such a defenseless position. She dropped to her stomach and used her arms to pull herself to the shadowed side of the reptile’s bed. She waited to make sure she had not been spotted, then got up onto her knees. She paused again to ensure her cover was still solid. One of the heads snored loudly and shifted, but no other movement was had. She rocked back and up onto the balls of her feet and stayed crouched. She had a fleeting thought about the ease of this execution but pushed it from her mind as irrelevant. Yoshi took a deep breath and reached for her inner reserves of her warrior spirit and training. She flexed her toned muscles repeatedly till she felt the familiar fire surging through her veins. When she felt comfortably numb and saw red at the edges of her vision, she charged. She made no noise beyond her footfalls, and reached the first head moments later. Her claws bit into the nearest neck, and as it jerked into the air in surprise, she continued under it to the next. Both heads came to life with shrieks of pain. Only then did Yoshi growl her challenge at the creature. The other head stirred more slowly than the assaulted ones, and Yoshi used the advantage to press her offense. She gripped the third neck with her claws, and as it rose from the alarm of the others, she shifted her weight to let gravity pull her down. Each razor edge dug into the flesh. She got her feet back under her and pulled herself loose in time for the coordinated effort of the last two heads to come for her. They angled the path of their gaping maws so that if she moved away to dodge one would get her instead of the other. She surprised them both by moving forward, feeling the fires flaring inside as she leaped to claw the eyes of the primary attacker. The head reared back and up, and she clung to it for the ride. When it came back down, she released the eyes and rolled across the rocky ground to duck behind a boulder. At that moment, she head the most disturbing noise she could even consider: the angry growls of the dragon’s mate waking up to find her lover in trouble. Yoshi collected herself and dashed away from her cover back the way she had come up the mountain. The mate gave chase, but the sun was behind it. Yoshi used the shadows to watch for the incoming attack and side stepped it. With a quick pivot on her left foot, she clawed one eye, rolled over the snout, and got the other eye as well. She charged up the neck of the mate and found the intersection of the main neck and bit into it, attempting to severe all the heads at once. She managed to open up a cut big enough that she suspected the beast would bleed out. Satisfied with her victory, she dismounted and fled the lashing heads of the pair of five-headed monsters. Back at the inn, she drank heavily, then headed off to bed. Yoshi curled into a ball on top of the covers and fell asleep almost instantly. ———- Vincent stared down at the teacup Yorkie sleeping in his lap in disbelief as he put a band-aid on his wrist. He said aloud, “Yoshi really is fearless,” while she snored softly into his jeans. The engine under Larry’s case roared to life, and within minutes, Larry was cruising along through his favorite sites and scenes. Once he was done there, he decided to try to find some new avenues to explore. He banked left and made a quick stop for a map. He took several just in case, and he was off in search of adventure. Before long, he was in a dark wooded area, and Larry could no longer read the signs. He frowned at his map, sighed, then turned around and went back to the last fork in the road. He continued down the new way, and it widened into a broad highway. Soon he was passing all sorts of wondrous places. He found a sign that was intriguing and exited the highway into a glamorous area. After seeing a building selling sunglasses, Larry pulled in and looked a pair that looked like those worn by Wesley Snipes in the Blade movies. Larry was directed further down the road to a different shop, and they directed him to a different store. That store did not even know what that movie was, so he was sent to a directory of sunglasses. From there, he found all kinds of sunglasses related information and new maps to those places. He headed off again, hoping for a better adventure. The second area ended up similar to the first, and the third was even worse. At the point of getting discouraged in his search, Larry pulled into an abandoned parking lot that represented the fourth stop. Larry looked around and saw a rundown, three-story building at the edge of the lot. He thought he was the only one around, so he went to the building and knocked on the door. The door fell open, and Larry edged slowly into the dusty, cobweb-filled lobby. To his right, Larry spotted a softly glowing kiosk with buttons for different offices. He found the one related to the sunglasses and pushed the button. A voice came over an unseen intercom, garbled by static, “Don’t masquerade with a guy in shades.” Larry frowned and looked around the lobby for some indication of exactly what that meant. Finding nothing, he pushed the button again. This time, an elevator down a short hallway opened with a ding. He stepped into the elevator and pushed a button that looked similar to the one from the kiosk. The speaker in the upper corner responded more clearly, “Believe me, I know comedy. I once put cat poop on my friend’s face and took a picture.” Finally spurred by the weirdness of this place, Larry exited the elevator before the door closed and briskly walked back to the entrance with a glance over his shoulder as if he suspected he was being followed. He did not stop at the kiosk, but he overheard the static voice say, “One time my friend put cat poop on my face and took a picture of it.” He hit the door at a sprint, and it was the last time he would venture into the IGN Forums on the information super highway. “We have a crisis on our hands, and it is up to you to solve it, Ladies and Gentleman of Congress. There is, as you know, an economic catastrophe on our hands, and many of your assistants and polls and studies have given you a great many ideas with which to combat this problem. Today, however, I submit to you that these polls and studies are incorrect. Please, let me finish. They are wrong, because they do not actually fix the problem. You have given us money back in the form of a stimulus check. Most Americans have tucked it away into their meager savings accounts. That money will not be used to buy plasma TV’s made in China. That money will become a buffer between our working class and poverty. A very, very small buffer. Many people cannot get the home buyer tax credit, because their credit is shot from the down turns. How many of this group can afford to buy a house right now? So how many of them are going to get the tax credit? Few if any. I could explain more of the fallacies of the policies put forth, but my time is limited. Reaganomics concentrates on the idea that money given back at the top will trickle down and eventually the benefits will be seen by the lower classes in the forms of raises and benefits. This model is fundamentally flawed in that the heads of these major organizations refuse to surrender that money to better their people. We cannot trust corporate America to do what is right. Nor can the government be trusted to do what is right. Simply put, the only people that know what they need are the people themselves. Since I know that I could never convince you to do something with the Federal Income Tax like switch to a flat tax, or better yet, a sales tax, I propose a slightly different idea. Declare that every person making under forty thousand per year is tax exempt. These are not the people that need to be giving the government an interest free loan. These are not the people that hold up the country with revenue from their taxes. These are not the people that spend needlessly. The revenue from this demographic accounts for less than five percent of the government’s income, yet the total tax burden on them is over twenty-five percent. If you want economic stimulus, give fifty percent of Americans a twenty-five percent tax cut, and you will see some stimulus, I guarantee it.” ———- The cheers in Bradley’s head began to fade as he sighed and stared at his tax forms held in numbed fingers. He wished with all of his heart and wallet that someone had actually stood up to say it for him. He could never have said it, as he was convinced that his one voice would never be heard. He looked over at his wife, on the couch, then his daughter, in her crib. The realization that his one voice could have been supported by two other voices never even crossed his mind. Two hundred dollars seemed like such a small return, but it meant the world to him and his family. He leaned back in his chair and thought of all the ways that the money could have helped. He could have kept his job back in September, if he had had twenty dollars to put gas in his car. Thirty could have put just a little more food in their pantry, bolstering their meager stock pile. He would still have a hundred and fifty, and he knew what he would have done with it. He rearranged some papers on his desk, stacking them neatly in a very specific order. Someone would come to check on them eventually, he knew. He wanted to make sure the story would be told correctly when it happened. The chill in his fingers no longer bothered him. He resigned himself to the inevitable. He had no choice really. He had lost everything because of that last hundred and fifty. The electric bill in November had gone unpaid. They could not catch up. They might have gotten by if not for the blizzard, but with no electricity, heating the house was impossible. Their daughter had grown ill first. He figured it was pneumonia. His wife had ceased living in the same instant, though she had been animated for a day after. He had gathered together everything he could to show what had happened. His paper work from being fired was on the top. Beneath that, he had put the bank statements. Next came the bills, then the shut off notice. Last, his W-2 and a copy of the 1040-EZ. He would not have a voice when someone finally found him, but it would be heard, by God. It would be heard. Parrant leaned against the main mast of the ship in the crow’s nest and scanned the horizon for anything worth mentioning, bored as he had been the last few days, but then he spotted something that caught his interest. He could make out a pair of darker shapes in the water coming for the ship from opposite directions. He immediately called an alarm. Parrant’s companions, Kylen, Felligan, and Welentia, walked out onto the deck, and the captain called for everyone to prepare for battle. Kylen, the heavy-plated warrioress, got out her rune-etched claymore for when the enemies got closer to the ship. Felligan, robe-clad and frail, went up near the captain and the wheel and cast an assortment of spells on the crew and his friends. The battle-priest Welentia went to the bow of the ship and spoke several prayers over the ship and crew. Parrant nocked an arrow and waited. The first sea dragon head blasted out of the water only to receive a lightning arrow in each of its eyes, and Parrant nocked another arrow to wait for the second. The crew scrambled to ward off the first dragon, along with Kylen and Felligan. Welentia was waiting for the other with Parrant. It came up on the other side, allowing the dragons to flank the ship. Parrant took out that one’s eyes with a pair of lightning bolt arrows. He knew it did no good, but he found something about it satisfying. The battle was joined. Kylen and Welentia fought back to back, with Felligan chanting words of power from near the captain. Parrant frowned, as his arrows would do little against dragon scales. The first dragon had the majority of the crew fighting with it, trying to net the head so the adventuring group could get the killing blow. Parrant set his bow down and drew his longsword for the first time in as long as he could remember. He thought of what he was doing only after he was in the air. The wild elf leaped from the crow’s nest with the longsword gripped underhanded with both hands and an Elven battle cry echoing across the water. The second dragon did not have time to register what was happening before the blade pierced the top of its snout. Parrant fell past to slam into the side of the dragon’s face. His feet caught on the bottom jaw, and he left the sword to climb around to the back of the massive lizard’s head. He gripped the horns like reins as the owner’s head swung wildly attempting to dislodge him. Kylen and Felligan were finishing with the first attacker, and Wilentia used divine will to smite Parrant’s new mount with holy energies to end it. Parrant rode the failing dragon’s head down onto the deck then used the inertia to flip over it with a flourish. He smiled to his companions and said, “Smooth sailing from here on out, I’ll bet.” The crew and party cheered at that and began tying down the dragons for butchering later. The party did have smooth sailing after that, but the start of the journey was a little rocky.  Tags: boats, D&D, dragons, dungeons, Dungeons and Dragons, Felligan, Kylen, Parrant, sailing, sea, sea dragons, ships, smooth sailing, WelentiaJared was bored, and no matter what he tried to do, it was just not exciting. He went out with his friends, and he blogged about it. He played games with his girlfriend Allison, and he blogged about that. He went to work, but thankfully he never blogged about it. In an effort to spice things up, he decided to go sky diving. Allison refused to go, so he went alone. His instructor was a cute girl, and he rather enjoyed his first tandem jump with her. He had a blast and went home to blog about it. He even gave Allison some extra attention that night. Jared became bored again the next day. Nothing in the house could hold his interest for more than ten minutes, if that long. He decided to go sky diving again, but this time they made him jump alone. Even if he had jumped tandem, the instructor was a big, burly man with a ZZ Top Beard. He did not get the same thrill from it, but it alleviated his boredom for a while again. He blogged about it, and Allison certainly enjoyed the new found attention. The next day, Jared was once again bored. He decided to try bungee jumping, and again, Allison wouldn’t go with him. He found lots of cute girls there and enjoyed the trip far more than the sky diving. He blogged about it more, and he was more attentive to Allison than ever. When he came down from the bungee jumping, Jared went out again to cure his boredom. This time, Allison secretly followed him to see what was making him so happy. She found him flirting and carrying on with half a dozen girls then did his jump. The girls all swooned over him. Allison was furious, but she reined in her anger and went home to wait for Jared. That night, she told Jared she wanted to try sky diving with him. He naturally agreed, as that would help cure his boredom for the next day. The next day, they went out for the sky diving lesson. When it came to time to jump, Allison got scared and refused to jump. Jared did not jump because she would not. The instructor jumped with the other students, leaving the couple in the plane. On the way back to the airport, Jared and Allison discussed the events surrounding Jared’s boredom. They discovered that the cure for Jared’s boredom was not death defying acts and the attention of girls. He just wanted to go out and do things with Allison. |
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